Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Rat. Again.

This is another picture of Nina. It's kind of blurry, but that's because she is almost definitely equipped with Super Sonic Speed and she takes liberal advantage of this fact. She almost never sits still.

This is probably the most informative and exciting blog on the planet.


I've written too much about cats.

Do you want to see a picture of my pet rat, Nina?

I hope so, because I'm posting one.

If you don't think she's cute, you are probably a vampire and therefore incapable of experiencing feelings of cuteness.

I just made that up about vampires, but I bet it's true.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Name Change

I am so paranoid about getting my Adsense account deleted that I had to change the title of the blog because it contained a questionable word.

I don't think I like this censorship stuff. Sometimes you just need to say naughty words to create the proper environment for a joke. Some people will tell you that bad words are never necessary, but I beg to differ:

Example 1:

1. "Oh."

2. "Oh Sh-t."

Example 2:

1. "I love you."

2. "I f---ing love you."

3. "I love f---ing you."

Those sentences don't even mean the same thing without the curse words.

Anyway, now I have to go back and write the word isht or crap where there used to be a different word and then I won't even have the ads for cat diarrhea anymore! I am such a sell-out.

This is exactly why I didn't want AdSense on my other blog. Even though it would have been really fun to see what kinds of keywords it came up with. I wonder if my MSP store would show up in my ads? Probably.

Maybe I'll do a one-day Adsense thing on my other blog. Just to see what keywords come up.

At any rate, I am sorry my out-of-control paranoia has caused me to have to take out some of my favorite words. I hope that my favorite ads do not disappear with them.

Cat diarrhea

Cat diarrhea

Cat diarrhea

Okay, I just wanted to make sure that my favorite ad ever wasn't in jeopardy of vanishing just because I got rid of the s-word.

The Cat in My Life

This is Boyfriend's cat, Angelo. I think he is probably mentally ill. He had to be put on Prozac for a little while, but apparently it wasn't helping him and it just made him obese so he is not on Prozac anymore.

I like Angelo because he is so unpredictable! I never get bored with petting him - mostly because I don't ever get to pet him for very long before he starts mauling me for no reason.

Sometimes I put on several layers of very thick clothing and a pair of leather gloves and wage battle with Angelo. I can't tell if he likes it or not, but it's sure fun for me! One time he bit through two sweatshirts and probably gave me rabies, but most of the time he is pretty ineffective at harming me.

Monday, October 19, 2009

This is a picture of a cat attacking a thing that kind of looks like a lamp, but then there's no light bulb or lampshade, so it's probably not a lamp. I don't know what it is, but the cat is attacking it.

Aren't you guys glad I started this blog?

Boyfriend Quotes #1

Me: "Do I look too disgusting to be seen in public?"

Boyfriend: "You don't look disgusting... it's just obvious that you aren't trying hard to look pretty."

Or this closely related quote from yesterday morning:

Me: "I feel gross..."

Boyfriend: "You don't look gross."

Me: "Really? Because I don't feel pretty at all right now."

Boyfriend: "Well, you don't look as pretty as you usually do, but you aren't gross."

I think Boyfriend is lucky that I am the way that I am. And by that I mean "awesome."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Not a Good Idea

I am (word that adsense probably hates because they don't like drunk people) and I really reeally really want to click my own ads because I am suddenly very curious about ALL of them.

I shouldn't.

Google will ge soooooooooooooooo mad!

Ther'es a guy on the TV an dhis face is super super red. I don' t know why. He was just playing football so maybe that's why but my face would never be tht red just from football. Maybe an oven or a embarrassment but not football.

Crap, you guys. I am going to mess up all of my keywords and stuff.

Drunk and internet don't mix. Just like boats.


I am totally starting a cheap spin-off website called "LMAOcats" and it will be based around the phrase "icanhasbigmac?"


UPDATE: I also have dibs on ROFLcats, so don't even think about it.

Do You Want to Hear Something Funny?

I'm not even a cat person. I mean, cats are fine and everything, but I'm not the kind of person who would write a blog with a central theme that is heavily cat-based.

But I did.

I did exactly that.

It worked for LOLcats.

Facts #3

I have to pee.

Really bad.

But I am such a procrastinator that I am actually going to procrastinate on attending to my physiological needs.

If I could procrastinate on breathing, I totally would.

You Can Never Have Too Much Cat . Even Though This Particular Cat is Kind of Creepy

Saturday, October 17, 2009

So I Just Realized That I Should Probably Talk About Cats Again

Cats seem to be a good niche for me.

I have no idea why.

Would you like it if I talked about cats some more?

Well guess what?

That's exactly what I am going to do. And if you don't like it? Tough kittens. That is a stupid phrase that I would never say in real life.

Keywords: id, pets, cats, dogs, microchip, collar, tags, find, lost, found, mayonnaise.

I like to throw in weird words every now and again. Who knows? Maybe someone out there is looking for a mayonnaise tracker. What am I saying? This really doesn't make any sense at all. It is quickly turning into a WTF? site. Which is why I should reiterate: you should probably only read this if you are abusing some sort of substance.


Vocab Story: So this one time? There were a bunch of cats and dogs and mayonnaises (I think I pretty much have a monopoly on that word...). They all got together at the local Lost and Found and decided to create a foundation (oooh... "foundation" is probably a great keyword!) for pets who did not wish to be tracked by a microchip. Because that limits an animal's freedom. Sometimes animals want the option of going out and getting run over by a car or lost forever. They are like teenagers only animal-ier. Anyway, all the pets got together and burned their collars and id tags - like women used to burn their bras but not really at all like that actually. I need to find a job... wait... this kind of is my job. Isn't that insane ??? I get paid to sit here and write stupid stories about pets organizing a strike on microchips and id tags. I hope Google is cool with this because I would much rather do this than flip burgers.

A Different Tactic... Let's See If This Works...

The Keyword Game! (Having fun while also making money... maybe... I really don't know what I'm doing. This could be totally the wrong thing and I wouldn't even know. But I am going to try, by God.)

Vocab Words:
win your law suit, lawyer, Los Angeles lawyer, Mickey Mouse, California Real Estate, vacation, surfing, shark

I just threw "shark" in there for good measure. Sharks can shake up any story.

Vocab Story:

Once upon a time, there was a California Real Estate lawyer (which isn't a real profession, but it should be) and his name was Mickey Mouse because his parents hated him and wanted him to be made fun of and fail at life. Anyway, Mickey Mouse decided to take a vacation from his stressful life as a Los Angeles Lawyer (more specifically, a California Real Estate lawyer) and go surfing. Sadly, Mickey Mouse was eaten by a shark. Guess what his last word were? "Win your law suit." That's what he said.

I don't know why anyone would utter those particular last words, but for the sake of this story and my AdSense revenue, those were poor Mickey Mouse's last words.

May he rest in peace.

Guess What I Did??

Did you see what I did with that last post? Aren't I a genius?

It really is as easy as that.

And guess what?

This is what I accomplished with this post (and this one):

1. I listed a bunch of high-value keywords

2. I repeated those keywords over and over in a story

3. I wrote content that was stupid but way more interesting than if I had simply listed those words over and over. And I might not even get in trouble with google.

4. I enticed my readers to click my ads (even though I know that I don't have to do that because you guys love me) by intriguing them about how a fictional character named Rosetta Stone lost weight with three simple rules.

5. I just found a way to work in the phrase "lost weight with three simple rules" again.

6. And again.

You guys,

This is so much fun.

Writing for SEO, Allie-Style

Like I mentioned in my last post, I can increase the value-per-click of my ads if I type the right keywords into my posts.

But isn't that selling-out??

Not the way I'm going to do it!

Remember how in high school your English teacher always gave you a list of vocabulary words to put into a story and turn in by the end of the week?

That is what I am going to do with my SEO keywords.

It will be fun.

For example:

List of keywords = flat stomach, lose weight, Cialis, Search Engine Optimization, Rosetta Stone, get published, enlarge


Once upon a time, there was an enlarged woman named Rosetta. She married a man named Cialis Stone (which is actually kind of ironic) so therefore her name became Rosetta Stone. Anyway, one day Rosetta Stone decided that she wanted to get published, so she started learning about Search Engine Optimization which probably wasn't the right way to go about publishing a book, but she didn't care because she was illiterate anyway and didn't understand anything without the help of her husband, Cialis Stone. Why would an enlarged, illiterate woman named Rosetta Stone want to write a book? I don't know. What I do know is that Rosetta Stone needed to lose weight. She had always wanted a flat stomach, but since she was so enlarged, that dream had eluded her until recently. After she realized that she was illiterate, Rosetta Stone flew into a psychotic rage over her lack of ability to read and went so berserk that she lost weight in only minutes a day! She had a flat stomach before she could even finish her berserking. An unlikely story? Yes. An impossible story? Absolutely not. Anyone can lose weight with these simple rules. And I won't tell you what those rules are, but I'm sure there will eventually be an ad on this page that will.

So it Looks Like I've Cornered the Market in Pet Supplies/Insurance/Medical Problems/Names

I do so many awesome things on accident!

I was just reading about Search Engine Optimization and apparently I accidentally did something right by writing about cats.


I am also doing the right thing by writing about Search Engine Optimization. I am giving my ads broad appeal while also still allowing the niche ads about cat diarrhea to populate my page.

I just realized that these are some things I should probably write about:


Drugs are good and bad. Some of them are helpful and some cause your nasal septum to desintigrate. But guess what? Then you have to go to the doctor to get your nose fixed and that's where they get you. It's a conspiracy.... see? I'm not serious. Just in case you are on of those people. And if you are - I'm sorry I've insulted you. We can still be friends, right?

Health Care

Health care is something that I don't have right now. I thought I had a brain tumor the other day and I was like "I need to go to the doctor... wait... I don't have insurance and so I can't go to the doctor. Whelp, looks like I'm gonna die. Oh well..." Also I think I have skin cancer and breast cancer and cancer cancer. But do I get to go to the doctor to find out that I am a hypochondriac? No. I don't.


This is that thing that I don't have, remember?


I'm going to run out of my ADD medication in about 4 days. Then who knows what I'll blog about. It's gonna get weird, people.

1-800 pet meds

I just thought I'd throw that one in there for good measure.

How to lose belly fat

You should probably spend more time calling 1-800 pet meds and less time eating butter mixed with sugar. And just because you mix the butter and sugar together doesn't make it okay to eat. Trust me. I know. I've been there.

Flat Stomach

I'm not even going to try to justify this one.

Today In The Grocery Store

Boyfriend: "Fuji Apples for 78 cents a pound??!" (He really likes Fuji apples)

Me: (intending to observe that the apples are most likely locally grown and that is why they are so cheap) "Yeah, those are probably natural apples... from trees."

Boyfriend: "You mean like every apple ever?"

Me: "Wait... what? Crap."

Friday, October 16, 2009

Adsense Thinks I Like Cat Diarrhea - And I Intend to Reinforce That Notion

So every time I want to comment about a weird ad that Google puts on my page, I have to mention the ad, which reinforces Google's mistaken impression that I enjoy writing about cat diarrhea.

Cat diarrhea.

Cat diarrhea.

Cat diarrhea.

Cat diarrhea.

Cat diarrhea.

Holy crap. I am never going to live this down. If I ever want to turn this into a respectable site I am so screwed.

Why would I want to turn this into a respectable site?

I wouldn't

And that is why I am going to say cat diarrhea again. Just in case I ever do decide in the future to try to make this into a respectable site. I will be deterred.

UPDATE: I just realized that this whole "cat diarrhea" thing is probably due to the fact that I talk about cats a lot and I also say the word "crap" a lot. Because I can't say the f-word on this blog because Adsense will be mad at me if I do that.

I should cure cancer. I am good at figuring stuff out.

UPDATE: And you know what else? All the research I've done says that I should try to do "Search Engine Optimization" to target my ads to my specific niche of readers.

I really hope that you people have a vested interest in cats with bowel problems.

Now I Have to Write Something Else...

I definitely don't want that last post to be the first post that my readers see when this blog goes mainstream.

So I am writing this post as a decoy.


No one should be able to publish crap like this.

But guess what?

The world's not fair and I can do whatever I want and show it to the whole internet. And someone, somewhere will read it and go "I get that!" Probably because they are high, but whatever.

I Think I Broke Adsense With That Last One

I said "bat-sucker" and Adsense was all "AAAAAAAAAAAAWhat the F???" (adsense doesn't like the f-word... shhhhhhhhhh...)

Anyway, just thought I'd tell you.

All of that.

Happy Birthday!

That was random.

But guess what? So is life. Get used to it, candy-face.

That is a good/bad insult.

I can do this forever.


Not funny.

But I am still going.

This is like stealing babies from a pie.

Which would be easy because pie isn't the most maternal object in the world.

At least I don't think it is.

Adsense is definitely going to break when I post this one. Just you watch.

How to Come Up With Fresh Ideas

1. Sit down. Ideas happen better when you are closer to the floor. You know what? Lie down.

2. Breath deeply.

3. Think of a word.

4. Hopefully the word you thought of was "bat-sucker" because that is what I thought of and if we both thought of it, that would mean we are soul-sisters or some other crap like that.

5. Make connections with your word and other words that pop into your head like "nincompoop" "at" "the" and "tribal belly dancing."

6. Write something involving those words. Or don't. You are an adult and you can do what you want.

Unless you are 14. Then you aren't an adult and you are legally bound to do what I say. I made that up. But it could be true. You probably don't want to find out one way or the other.

How to Write Three Posts in Under 5 Minutes

1. Write a post that is just a picture of a cat.

2. Write another post that is just a collection of words that are maybe organized into a list or maybe they aren't. I don't know. I'm not God.

3. Write a post about writing posts in under 5 minutes. But you won't do it as well as me. I promise. You should just quit now because I own this niche, b_tch.

Does that last part rhyme or not? I don't really know how to pronounce niche. Or niché. Is that something I made up? Probablé.

I am so not used to censoring myself.

I used to do that.

And then I didn't anymore.

And now I have to again because I don't want to piss off Google.

How I Come Up With Content

So here's my new post-writing formula:

1. Sit down. Or don't. Whatever.

2. Start typing words and see what comes out.

3. Wait to be acclaimed as a genius when people figure out that humor is actually easy if you are just ridiculous enough.

4. If all else fails, just say a lot of words. Some of them are bound to be funny when stuck together. Or not. Don't blame me for your failures.

Facts #2

I have a zit on my face. I put toothpaste on it because that is supposed to shrink zits and then I put a Band Aid over the toothpaste so I didn't wake up with toothpaste in my hair. Then I woke up and I was like "why the hell do I have a Band Aid on my face?" And then for a second I thought maybe I was Nelly but I actually wasn't. I lied. I didn't actually think I was Nelly. That would be ridiculous.

That joke was tenuous at best.

I told you there would be cats...